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The Washington What Now?

Now that people have finally started to get used to the name "Washington Football Team", which was probably named that out of spite at sponsors pulling out due to the name "Redskins", they've decided to rename the team again. This has been an ongoing process that I believe was accelerated to distract from a railing collapsing at FedEx field a few weeks ago, causing fans leaning on it to fall down a few feet onto players and members of the media entering the tunnel. Some of them nearly fell on Jalen Hurts, the Philadephia Eagles quarterback, who had the presence of mind to get out of the way when the fans fell and helped them up afterward. That would have been one hell of a lawsuit if he'd gotten injured. There probably will be quite a few as some of the fans were seriously injured. Jalen Hurts wrote a letter to the team and the NFL asking how they intend to deal with the issue and prevent it from happening again. The final announcement date was set two days after this happened and given that they've announced things to distract from their own failings before, I think this is no different.

There were 8 possible options that they released, one of which being just leaving it as the Washington Football Team. Some ideas have been ruled out due to not wanting to repeat the whole hell storm of media outrage by picking a name that sounds even vaguely like a Native American term. Others have been ruled out due to trademarks on part or all of the name. The seven of the short list that remain are the Armada, Brigade, Commanders, Defenders, Presidents, Redhogs, and just leaving it the Washington Football Team. Redwolves got struck off after the list was created due to trademark issues. And here's why each of them probably suck:

  1. Armada: Can you even get a warship up the Potomac to Washington DC? If you had to open a drawbridge on I-495 to let a ship through at 7AM, I don't think people would get to work until it was time for them to drive right back home. Hampton Roads said "screw it" and dug tunnels instead!
  2. Brigade: This I can kinda see due to all the military stuff around but it seems like you're trying to one up Dallas, what with them already being called "America's Team".
  3. Commanders: Again with the military theme. See Brigade for most of it. You'll also need a new fight song because you need two syllables to be a drop in replacement for "Hail To The Redskins"
  4. Defenders: The word "defender" already has a common meaning: a player on defense. Naming a team after them is going to be hell on the broadcasters and anyone listening to the game.
  5. Presidents: I guess it kinda fits given that there's already the Washington Nationals and the Washington Capitals, but given our last few presidents, do we really want to name a team after them?!
  6. Redhogs: I guess this is so they can still have two syllables, the word "red", and have the colors continue to make sense, but what is a red hog anyway? There's no such animal unless you want to count a hog that's rolled in red mud.
  7. Washington Football Team: This name was picked at the last second because they had to come up with something. It sounds closer to a soccer team than a football team (most professional soccer teams don't have mascots in the name), and it messes with anyone trying to talk about them because it forces you to refer to the city, but we've lived with it for this long.

Regardless of whatever name is picked (and I'm not even sure if it'll be any of the above really), I don't think it'll make people happier than leaving the name the way it is. The only thing that will make people happier is getting the perennial human skid mark that is Dan Snyder to sell the team to someone with a goddamn moral compass, but I don't see that happening unless the NFL forces him to or he croaks.

Day 98 of #100DaysToOffload


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